Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.