Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems