Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening