Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

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Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions


I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!



*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head



The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.


My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

She stared at me until I paid her.


We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.


Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!


if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck


My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.