Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car