Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??