Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Do not levitate over flowers
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
the last thing a carrot sees
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I feel it
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?