Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
every college guy’s fridge
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The photographer’s assistant