Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.