Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.