Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

This is hilarious….

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*