You Might Also Like
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.