Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower