Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”