Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill