Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.