Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”