Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”