Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.