Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sigh

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Where is your GOD now????

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

I have no passwords left in me

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected