Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

found a horse’s reddit account

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no