Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

happy valentine’s day to me

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know