Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

In case you needed to hear it:

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.