Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
How to wake up a Beagle
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
I want this so bad
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin