Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet