Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]