Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.