Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing