Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Pandas 🐼🖤

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Check your privilege

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE