Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.