Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.