Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”