Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
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[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Spa day..😅
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Roombas should bark
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry