Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
You Might Also Like
“you recording!?”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Otters see a butterfly.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.