Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?![]()
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time