sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see