sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep