sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
fired
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga