sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
584.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*feels the wind in my toe hair
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”