Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
good work, detective
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
me hooking up with my ex
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*