Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
You Might Also Like
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
what the
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
goldfish mafia
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My blood type is coffee.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.