Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
◾️
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
knights of the ikea table
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell