Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.