Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
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I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
TRAIN’S HERE
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.