Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
the short answer to this question
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Effort made
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol