Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”