Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦