Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Möther may I have a snäck
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*