Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
You Might Also Like
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral