Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him