Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.