Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.