Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
who wore it better?
God has abandoned us.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
This is the one
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
