Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”