Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic