Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”