Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct