Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.