sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
You Might Also Like
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.