sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
You sure about that?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.