sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
(Electricians.)
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Actually cracking up @ this
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.