sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
No regrets in 2018
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
