Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.