Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.