Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
You Might Also Like
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!