Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.