Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
You Might Also Like
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
This was my dad’s browser history.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
