Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
FINE, I WON’T.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat