Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
