Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
![]()
You Might Also Like
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
![]()
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
![]()
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
who will stop them
![]()
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.