Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
(more comics:
@funTweeters I am at your service….
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.