Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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HER: I’m really into the outdoors type.
ME: [trying to impress] I’m homeless.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth