@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

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@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time

@wettbutt

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

@Fred_Delicious

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

@Be___Dope

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.