Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?