Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*


Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.


read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of


[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]


me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural


Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.


[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time


*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice


I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future


People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.