@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

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@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I’m really into the outdoors type.

ME: [trying to impress] I’m homeless.

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@TheSofiya

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@MrRamBillings

Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!

@BarebakAssassin

After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.

@HenpeckedHal

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

@deathbybadger

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW