sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now