sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You Might Also Like
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”