Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

My biological clock is wheezing.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’