Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
You Might Also Like
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.