Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Cause of death: Zumba
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
This is my brand.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo