Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe